I want a lover I don't have to love.
I'm so sporadic with my blogs. I haven't posted to my Livejournal, Xanga, or even this in AGES. I just haven't felt motivated to write. I guess so much has been going on -- so much has been THROWN at me that I didn't even know WHAT to write. When everything is happening at once in your life, it's hard to prioritize; what's even important anymore? What is worth writing about...documenting to remember for the future?
Well, I was walking back to my room tonight from the BSC, and I felt a strong urge to update this. I need to.
Of course the topic of this is none other than love. My favorite thing to bitch and complain about. It's such a complex thing that I feel I could write for days on end about it. Everything about love just completely confuses me. Everything about MEN confuses me. I just don't understand it anymore.
I want love. I want love. I want love. I want it SO bad. I want to believe it exists. I really do. Broken sentences rock. Let me get my thoughts together...
...Okay. I want to believe love exists, but everything is telling me that it simply doesn't. As a Chemistry major, I should know that one proves something through experimentation; applying that to the whole love thing, I should have 100% proof that it DOES NOT exist (for me, at least). I've dated around. I've met some really great guys -- guys that I'd be willing to be in a relationship. I've had crushes and infatuations. But have I met someone that I could LOVE? I don't know. Nothing has ever gone that far. Ever. Disregard anything I've ever said about relationships and men. It's all been lies.
Yeah. I just called myself a liar. I've told people that I've been in relationships. I've lied about "boyfriends" of the past. I've implied that I've had sex. But...when it comes down to it, I'm the biggest fucking virgin you'll ever meet. I've NEVER had a boyfriend. I've NEVER had sex. I've never even come CLOSE. I've kissed 9 guys in my lifetime, but I've never had a boy hold my hand. I've never been out to dinner with a boy. I've never been on a real DATE. Out of the 9 guys that I've kissed, not a single one has met my mom. Or my dad. Or my sister. Or anyone else of any importance in my life.
Out of the 9 guys that I've kissed, not a single one has entertained the idea of getting into a relationship with me. I've always felt like nothing more than a "side project" or a playtoy. I'm someone's fucking experiment. I'M someone's EXPERIMENT.
So what am I to do? Should I just settle in this role? Should I simply accept the fact that there will be LUST in my life, but not LOVE? Should I just GET USED TO IT?
It's hard. It's HAAAAARD. I don't want to be alone. I hate the idea. It scares me. Is that what my life is going to be like? IS THIS IT?? Yeah, I'll be a dentist...that's my dream. I'll have my own practice, and my money, and my respect. But who will I be able to share this with? Will I always have to resort to going to clubs or bars or casinos to get attention from men? Is that how it's done? Because dressing in skanky outfits and fucking myself up with alcohol (Malibu pineapple, please!) seems to do the trick. Damn well. That's how I met Todd, right? And Ben? Wasn't I fucked up when I met Ben? And Colin? I think I was intoxicated and skanked out too during that makeout session. Who else...Justin? Atrice? The guy at the Halloween party? Chris? FUCKED UP. Each and every time.
Because quiet Stephanie doesn't do the trick. Quiet Stephanie sits in the corner and has a quiet conversation and gets no play. Sober Stephanie gets no fucking action or attention. Is that the reputation I want to have for myself? The drunk bitch that passes out and makes out with random motherfuckers? What the fuck else am I supposed to do?
The line between love and lust is so blurry to me. I'm just...so. frustrated. I am. I...I just don't know anymore. I have no clue. I HAVE NO CLUE. And writing all of this has just confused me even more.
I want to cry. I don't want to be alone. I don't want this. I hate it.
More than anything, I just want to know that love is real. I don't believe in it anymore. I just don't.
Well, I was walking back to my room tonight from the BSC, and I felt a strong urge to update this. I need to.
Of course the topic of this is none other than love. My favorite thing to bitch and complain about. It's such a complex thing that I feel I could write for days on end about it. Everything about love just completely confuses me. Everything about MEN confuses me. I just don't understand it anymore.
I want love. I want love. I want love. I want it SO bad. I want to believe it exists. I really do. Broken sentences rock. Let me get my thoughts together...
...Okay. I want to believe love exists, but everything is telling me that it simply doesn't. As a Chemistry major, I should know that one proves something through experimentation; applying that to the whole love thing, I should have 100% proof that it DOES NOT exist (for me, at least). I've dated around. I've met some really great guys -- guys that I'd be willing to be in a relationship. I've had crushes and infatuations. But have I met someone that I could LOVE? I don't know. Nothing has ever gone that far. Ever. Disregard anything I've ever said about relationships and men. It's all been lies.
Yeah. I just called myself a liar. I've told people that I've been in relationships. I've lied about "boyfriends" of the past. I've implied that I've had sex. But...when it comes down to it, I'm the biggest fucking virgin you'll ever meet. I've NEVER had a boyfriend. I've NEVER had sex. I've never even come CLOSE. I've kissed 9 guys in my lifetime, but I've never had a boy hold my hand. I've never been out to dinner with a boy. I've never been on a real DATE. Out of the 9 guys that I've kissed, not a single one has met my mom. Or my dad. Or my sister. Or anyone else of any importance in my life.
Out of the 9 guys that I've kissed, not a single one has entertained the idea of getting into a relationship with me. I've always felt like nothing more than a "side project" or a playtoy. I'm someone's fucking experiment. I'M someone's EXPERIMENT.
So what am I to do? Should I just settle in this role? Should I simply accept the fact that there will be LUST in my life, but not LOVE? Should I just GET USED TO IT?
It's hard. It's HAAAAARD. I don't want to be alone. I hate the idea. It scares me. Is that what my life is going to be like? IS THIS IT?? Yeah, I'll be a dentist...that's my dream. I'll have my own practice, and my money, and my respect. But who will I be able to share this with? Will I always have to resort to going to clubs or bars or casinos to get attention from men? Is that how it's done? Because dressing in skanky outfits and fucking myself up with alcohol (Malibu pineapple, please!) seems to do the trick. Damn well. That's how I met Todd, right? And Ben? Wasn't I fucked up when I met Ben? And Colin? I think I was intoxicated and skanked out too during that makeout session. Who else...Justin? Atrice? The guy at the Halloween party? Chris? FUCKED UP. Each and every time.
Because quiet Stephanie doesn't do the trick. Quiet Stephanie sits in the corner and has a quiet conversation and gets no play. Sober Stephanie gets no fucking action or attention. Is that the reputation I want to have for myself? The drunk bitch that passes out and makes out with random motherfuckers? What the fuck else am I supposed to do?
The line between love and lust is so blurry to me. I'm just...so. frustrated. I am. I...I just don't know anymore. I have no clue. I HAVE NO CLUE. And writing all of this has just confused me even more.
I want to cry. I don't want to be alone. I don't want this. I hate it.
More than anything, I just want to know that love is real. I don't believe in it anymore. I just don't.
posted by Stephanie at
1:22 AM
