Is that what you call tact?
I think that's the same title I gave to one of my recent Livejournal entries. Who knows. I haven't updated that in a few weeks, either.
I'm trying to stay on a steady schedule of writing in this blog, but I tend to forget about it, which is why all of my entries are so spaced out. Maybe it's better that way. I only feel compelled to write in this particular journal when I feel like I have something worthwhile to say.
Which brings me to my subject. I was reading my past entries in this journal, as I like to do every once in a while, just to gain some perspective on how I've changed and grown as a person. It's the strangest thing, reading your thoughts from months ago. In a sense, I feel the same way about certain things: I'm still a hardcore virgin (although I will admit to some not-so-PG thoughts about Hugh Laurie, among other men who are probably way too old for me), I still think that I've grown up a lot this summer, etc. For the most part, I still agree with my year-old journal entries. However, there's one entry that I feel somewhat uncomfortable about, and that's my last one (the one right before this).
Reading over it, I felt somewhat embarrassed. I know that those were my thoughts at the time, but it doesn't stop me from feeling horrible about them. I know that I was in one of my bitter, holier-than-thou moods. I just know it. I really dislike that about myself. I dislike the fact that I felt that I had to dedicate an entire journal entry to the reasons why I'm not attracted to black men. I want to delete that entry SO BADLY, but...something inside won't let me. I know that I don't feel that way anymore, but I can't take back what I said, nor do I want to.
I don't know what to say about it besides the fact that I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE. Why am I trying to convince myself of that? What am I trying to prove? That I'm finally "black enough", because I *think* I might be attracted to black men now? What makes one BLACK? And why do I feel the need to prove to everyone else that I am?
...
I feel like there's much more that I need to say regarding that issue, but...I don't know exactly what I want to say, or how I want to say it. I'm getting that nagging feeling that I'm rambling...once again. So...next subject.
I mentioned in one of my earlier entries that I was going to leave specific names out of this journal, because...I feel that thats entirely irrelevant. I don't care to much to discuss certain PEOPLE; I'd rather discuss the issue behind the person. So with that...today I went out to lunch with a guy from school. I think anyone that attends my university probably know this person's name...for all the wrong reasons. Ipodgate is all I'm going to say. And I'll leave it at that. Draw your own conclusions. Anyway, he invited me to lunch (long story), so we went to Salsaritas. All in all, it was an okay time. I'm not interested in him in the slightest, but we had a somewhat decent conversation, so that's all I can ask for. Okay, so the issue at hand here:
Money. We were discussing what our plans were for after graduation. Of course, I plan on going to dental school. He's a finance/accounting major, so he intends on doing something in that field. Blahblahblahmajors. To make a long story short, he asked me where I planned on living once I graduated from dental school. "Chicago, Los Angeles...anywhere but St. Louis" was the gist of my answer. Being the oh-so-great conversationalist that I am (and the fact that I had nothing better to say), I returned the question. His answer? "Wherever the money is". I didn't care too much for the answer, but...whatever floats your boat.
So the conversation continues. Next question? "Why do you want to be a dentist?"
Answer: "It's something I've always wanted to do, I want to make people feel better about themselves, I've always had good experiences at the dentist, blah blah blah..."
My turn. "What made you interested in becoming a CFO?"
Answer: "I don't know...it's where the money's at."
Okay. That was kind of annoying. I'm going to say this right now: I'm NOT pursuing a career in dentistry for the money. I'm not on a mission to be rich. If dentists made $30,000 a year, I'd be FINE with that. Whatever it takes for me to live comfortably. With that said, I find it HIGHLY frustrating when people choose their majors or future careers based on the amount of money they think it will bring. It just shows a lot of immaturity, shallowness, and materialism. I hate the American obsession with money, and this example just goes to show how prevalent it is. My roommate and I had a similar conversation to this a few days ago. Guess why she wants to be a lawyer? *rolls eyes* It just makes me sad that there's no passion in anything anymore. Whatever happened to going into a career because it INTERESTS you? Because that's what you'd LOVE to do?
I just...hate materialistic people. I hate it when my roommate describes someone by how much money they have, or what kind of house they live in. I get downright ANGRY when person after person comments on the type of car I drive. It's a fucking CAR!! It gets me from point A to B, and if I could scratch off the damn letters on the back, I would. When I tell people that I want to be a dentist, their first comment is usually "Wow...they make good money!" I don't give a bakers FUCK how much money dentists make. When I had my internship at Mallinckrodt, I didn't ask the employees there what a typical salary for an analytical research chemist was. These things don't matter to me. I want to be happy, and if being a dentist is what's going to make me happy, I'm going to do it. If being a janitor is what's going to make me happy, then I'll do that. The money thing just isn't what motivates me. I HATE the moneymoneymoney mentality. I despise it with every ounce of my being.
What would make me happy? When I become a dentist, I want to live on an island where they pay you with coconuts. I want to trade in my Lexus for a Ford Focus (shut UP!). I want the person who cleans the floor of my office to make as much as I do. I want to give free dental care to those who really need it. I want to divide my check in half and give it to someone who will really need it. Someone who WASN'T as fortunate as I was. Why should I make an obscene amount of money for doing something that I LOVE? It's not about the money for me. I don't know how to stress it any further.
So there. That's me. Take it or leave it. I'm not in this for the money. I'm in it for the lives that I want to change. Fuck, I'm in it for myself, too, but in another way: I'm in it to make ME happy.
I'm trying to stay on a steady schedule of writing in this blog, but I tend to forget about it, which is why all of my entries are so spaced out. Maybe it's better that way. I only feel compelled to write in this particular journal when I feel like I have something worthwhile to say.
Which brings me to my subject. I was reading my past entries in this journal, as I like to do every once in a while, just to gain some perspective on how I've changed and grown as a person. It's the strangest thing, reading your thoughts from months ago. In a sense, I feel the same way about certain things: I'm still a hardcore virgin (although I will admit to some not-so-PG thoughts about Hugh Laurie, among other men who are probably way too old for me), I still think that I've grown up a lot this summer, etc. For the most part, I still agree with my year-old journal entries. However, there's one entry that I feel somewhat uncomfortable about, and that's my last one (the one right before this).
Reading over it, I felt somewhat embarrassed. I know that those were my thoughts at the time, but it doesn't stop me from feeling horrible about them. I know that I was in one of my bitter, holier-than-thou moods. I just know it. I really dislike that about myself. I dislike the fact that I felt that I had to dedicate an entire journal entry to the reasons why I'm not attracted to black men. I want to delete that entry SO BADLY, but...something inside won't let me. I know that I don't feel that way anymore, but I can't take back what I said, nor do I want to.
I don't know what to say about it besides the fact that I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE. Why am I trying to convince myself of that? What am I trying to prove? That I'm finally "black enough", because I *think* I might be attracted to black men now? What makes one BLACK? And why do I feel the need to prove to everyone else that I am?
...
I feel like there's much more that I need to say regarding that issue, but...I don't know exactly what I want to say, or how I want to say it. I'm getting that nagging feeling that I'm rambling...once again. So...next subject.
I mentioned in one of my earlier entries that I was going to leave specific names out of this journal, because...I feel that thats entirely irrelevant. I don't care to much to discuss certain PEOPLE; I'd rather discuss the issue behind the person. So with that...today I went out to lunch with a guy from school. I think anyone that attends my university probably know this person's name...for all the wrong reasons. Ipodgate is all I'm going to say. And I'll leave it at that. Draw your own conclusions. Anyway, he invited me to lunch (long story), so we went to Salsaritas. All in all, it was an okay time. I'm not interested in him in the slightest, but we had a somewhat decent conversation, so that's all I can ask for. Okay, so the issue at hand here:
Money. We were discussing what our plans were for after graduation. Of course, I plan on going to dental school. He's a finance/accounting major, so he intends on doing something in that field. Blahblahblahmajors. To make a long story short, he asked me where I planned on living once I graduated from dental school. "Chicago, Los Angeles...anywhere but St. Louis" was the gist of my answer. Being the oh-so-great conversationalist that I am (and the fact that I had nothing better to say), I returned the question. His answer? "Wherever the money is". I didn't care too much for the answer, but...whatever floats your boat.
So the conversation continues. Next question? "Why do you want to be a dentist?"
Answer: "It's something I've always wanted to do, I want to make people feel better about themselves, I've always had good experiences at the dentist, blah blah blah..."
My turn. "What made you interested in becoming a CFO?"
Answer: "I don't know...it's where the money's at."
Okay. That was kind of annoying. I'm going to say this right now: I'm NOT pursuing a career in dentistry for the money. I'm not on a mission to be rich. If dentists made $30,000 a year, I'd be FINE with that. Whatever it takes for me to live comfortably. With that said, I find it HIGHLY frustrating when people choose their majors or future careers based on the amount of money they think it will bring. It just shows a lot of immaturity, shallowness, and materialism. I hate the American obsession with money, and this example just goes to show how prevalent it is. My roommate and I had a similar conversation to this a few days ago. Guess why she wants to be a lawyer? *rolls eyes* It just makes me sad that there's no passion in anything anymore. Whatever happened to going into a career because it INTERESTS you? Because that's what you'd LOVE to do?
I just...hate materialistic people. I hate it when my roommate describes someone by how much money they have, or what kind of house they live in. I get downright ANGRY when person after person comments on the type of car I drive. It's a fucking CAR!! It gets me from point A to B, and if I could scratch off the damn letters on the back, I would. When I tell people that I want to be a dentist, their first comment is usually "Wow...they make good money!" I don't give a bakers FUCK how much money dentists make. When I had my internship at Mallinckrodt, I didn't ask the employees there what a typical salary for an analytical research chemist was. These things don't matter to me. I want to be happy, and if being a dentist is what's going to make me happy, I'm going to do it. If being a janitor is what's going to make me happy, then I'll do that. The money thing just isn't what motivates me. I HATE the moneymoneymoney mentality. I despise it with every ounce of my being.
What would make me happy? When I become a dentist, I want to live on an island where they pay you with coconuts. I want to trade in my Lexus for a Ford Focus (shut UP!). I want the person who cleans the floor of my office to make as much as I do. I want to give free dental care to those who really need it. I want to divide my check in half and give it to someone who will really need it. Someone who WASN'T as fortunate as I was. Why should I make an obscene amount of money for doing something that I LOVE? It's not about the money for me. I don't know how to stress it any further.
So there. That's me. Take it or leave it. I'm not in this for the money. I'm in it for the lives that I want to change. Fuck, I'm in it for myself, too, but in another way: I'm in it to make ME happy.
posted by Stephanie at
8:35 PM
