So I'm twenty now...

My birthday was last week, so I'm a little late on this, but...ah well. :)

How do I feel? Old...different...like I have to prove myself or something. *shrugs* I like being this age though. It's so...solid. And fresh. In some strange way, it's like I can start over at bettering my life or something.

Speaking of which, I've decided (as of yesterday) that there are certain things that I just need to stop doing. Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent, and although I'm not 100% Catholic (more like a wanna-be), I still recognize and acknowledge the season.

Here's what I typed in my AIM profile:

"The season of Lent is almost upon us...as a result of that (along with an eye-opening discussion with Ryan) I've decided that a few changes concerning my personal life are necessary if I am to continue living my life as God would like me to.

I've realized that I've been looking in the wrong places for what I need to make me happy...and it's really liberating to know that God has been here for me all along to provide me with these things.

*sigh* It'll be a slow process, and I'm going to take baby steps, but hopefully I can do this right."

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to prove, or if I'm trying to prove anything...I don't even know if I want people to know what's going on inside. Does that make sense? I pride myself on being mysterious, yet here I am, typing this public journal entry. Sometimes I feel as though I contradict myself.

Which brings me back to my point. I'm tired of being a walking contradiction. I'm tired of acting one way and feeling another. What am I trying to do? Am I trying to prove a point? I don't like acting like a slut, yet I do enjoy the attention it brings me. I don't like leading people on, but I do appreciate when men show a marked interest in me. I want a guy to like me for me, yet I'm not being myself most of the time. So instead, men become interested in Stephanie the slut, because that's what I make myself out to be. And then...then I have the nerve to get upset when they grab what I put out there? It doesn't make sense, and for a long time, neither did I.

But I'm trying to change that now. Perhaps the non-flirty Stephanie won't get any attention from men, but maybe that's how God wants it to be for now. It's not smart to try to change myself...to try to be what I think men want, because it's not ME. I think I'm pretty okay with being single. I'm okay with waiting until marriage to have sex. I'm okay with spending valentine's day alone, with a good book and some nice music in the background. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but when God wants me to have a boyfriend, then I'll have one. Until then, I'm not going to be unlike myself to get what I think I want.

Ryan added me to his friends list on Facebook. Maybe that's what prompted this whole change of attitude. He's a wonderful, smart, attractive Christian guy with morals, and he's still normal. Imagine my surprise when I finally realized that there are still guys out there like that. I'm willing to wait for a guy like that. I really am. Talking to him motivated me to just wait it out.

I have the strangest feeling that I'm rambling in this entry, but I always have that feeling. At least it's out there now. Yeah.

So the new mottos for 2005:

1. I'm OKAY with being single
2. I will NOT put my morals aside just to have companionship
3. I will NOT compromise my true personality to be "liked"

As cliche as it sounds, good things come to those who wait.

And I'm worth the wait.

And there IS a guy out there for me.

And even if there isn't, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE GOD.