I want to know that everything will be alright.
I always stumble upon this journal at the weirdest times. Like today. I was randomly reading my LJ (which I've started updating regularly now), and I found the link to this journal. I started reading my entries from about 2 years ago (2 years...wow!), and I find that I tend to bitch a lot in this journal. There aren't many happy entries. I need to change that. There ARE happy times in my life...I just tend to not want to type when I'm that happy.
I tend to only blog when I need to express feelings that I can't necessarily show in public or even share with anyone. I was just thinking today, with the way things have been going with my so-called "friends"...I don't really have anyone that I can confide in anymore. It makes me a little sad, actually.
I don't know if I ever really did confide in people, though. Maybe halfway. Holly knew a little bit. Nicole knew a little more. But in neither person did I completely confide in. I trusted both of them, I just tend to want to give off the impression of being put together and...okay. I don't like to share the negative. I don't want to look weak or vulnerable. So if I am feeling weak and vulnerable and sad, then I post it in one of my journals. Sometimes it helps; other times, it makes me want to cry even more.
I was reading over my most recent entry...the one I made in April. Well...the number of guys I've kissed is now up to 13, but I still feel the same way. I still feel very much alone and like I'll never be in a relationship. It scares me. I know I'm still young (I'm 21 now), but what's going to happen if this is still the situation in 10 years? I know my time is running out. I WANT LOVE. I want to get married, and I want to have kids. I want a family.
You know the other reason I don't share my sad feelings with anyone? Because I feel like it's me being spoiled. I bought a new car yesterday. A 2006 Saturn Ion 3. I pick it up this afternoon. In the past 6 weeks, I've won $10,000 in the Pai Gow tournament. I'm graduating from college in December, and I'm on track with applying to Dental School.
Knowing all of this, I feel like I don't have a RIGHT to be unhappy. I've been told numerous times that I'm spoiled. With all that I have, shouldn't happiness follow? According to everyone else, the answer is yes. So who can I go to when I'm just not having a good day? No one. I'm spoiled, and I have everything material that anyone my age would want. I have NO reason to be unhappy, according to everyone else.
I think knowing that makes me even more unhappy. It's just so...weird. Maybe I DO have everything, but I don't have the one thing that I want SO bad: love. Does that make me spoiled? Isn't that the definition of spoiled? Having everything but wanting more? :(
I would gladly trade in the $5000 for a real boyfriend. In a fucking heartbeat. Money means nothing if you're not happy. If you feel like you have nothing to live for. I want life to be more than just going to work, making money, and eating. I want someone or someTHING to live for. It's just so fucking disheartening.
But maybe I'm just spoiled. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe I SHOULD just "wait it out" on the love thing. Because it will come, right?
Right?
I tend to only blog when I need to express feelings that I can't necessarily show in public or even share with anyone. I was just thinking today, with the way things have been going with my so-called "friends"...I don't really have anyone that I can confide in anymore. It makes me a little sad, actually.
I don't know if I ever really did confide in people, though. Maybe halfway. Holly knew a little bit. Nicole knew a little more. But in neither person did I completely confide in. I trusted both of them, I just tend to want to give off the impression of being put together and...okay. I don't like to share the negative. I don't want to look weak or vulnerable. So if I am feeling weak and vulnerable and sad, then I post it in one of my journals. Sometimes it helps; other times, it makes me want to cry even more.
I was reading over my most recent entry...the one I made in April. Well...the number of guys I've kissed is now up to 13, but I still feel the same way. I still feel very much alone and like I'll never be in a relationship. It scares me. I know I'm still young (I'm 21 now), but what's going to happen if this is still the situation in 10 years? I know my time is running out. I WANT LOVE. I want to get married, and I want to have kids. I want a family.
You know the other reason I don't share my sad feelings with anyone? Because I feel like it's me being spoiled. I bought a new car yesterday. A 2006 Saturn Ion 3. I pick it up this afternoon. In the past 6 weeks, I've won $10,000 in the Pai Gow tournament. I'm graduating from college in December, and I'm on track with applying to Dental School.
Knowing all of this, I feel like I don't have a RIGHT to be unhappy. I've been told numerous times that I'm spoiled. With all that I have, shouldn't happiness follow? According to everyone else, the answer is yes. So who can I go to when I'm just not having a good day? No one. I'm spoiled, and I have everything material that anyone my age would want. I have NO reason to be unhappy, according to everyone else.
I think knowing that makes me even more unhappy. It's just so...weird. Maybe I DO have everything, but I don't have the one thing that I want SO bad: love. Does that make me spoiled? Isn't that the definition of spoiled? Having everything but wanting more? :(
I would gladly trade in the $5000 for a real boyfriend. In a fucking heartbeat. Money means nothing if you're not happy. If you feel like you have nothing to live for. I want life to be more than just going to work, making money, and eating. I want someone or someTHING to live for. It's just so fucking disheartening.
But maybe I'm just spoiled. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe I SHOULD just "wait it out" on the love thing. Because it will come, right?
Right?
posted by Stephanie at
1:50 PM
